October 18th, 1998.
In the wee hours of the morning, gurgling cries echoed through the halls of the small run-down clinic in the old city of Chennai. Inside the patient ward, paint was chipping off the walls and small cracks webbed their way across the ceiling above the bed where a woman held a tiny raisin of a being in her arms. That shrivelled prune-looking thing was none other than yours truly, thrust into a world that I now had to make sense of for the next 60-70 years ( although let’s be realistic, the number’s probably way lower).

Like a lot of children, I lived my life for the most part without understanding why I did the things I did beyond a superficial level. Although I’d clean my room and eat my vegetables when my mother told me to, I never questioned her instructions– partly out of the fear of meeting the business end of her plastic ruler. I listened to bands that my friends told me were popular and wore clothes that magazines said I looked good in. I never had a problem with any of this, but that was because I’d never put any thought into any of the things I did.

That is until I was introduced to the life and works of a man named René Descartes.

It was then that I realised I was being a passive player in my own existence. If I wasn’t in control of any of my actions, how was I to be held accountable for them? If I couldn’t justify my reasons for having certain opinions and preferences, should even have them in the first place? Determined to find meaning in my meagre existence, I dipped my toes into the murky depths of philosophy and began by questioning every thought I had ever had.

“The first step toward philosophy is doubt.”

– Denis Diderot

Every individual seeks to live their life by a set of beliefs, thoughts and morals they call their philosophy, which in turn dictates their behaviours. In order to fully understand my actions and reasons for behaving as such, I needed to look deeper into what made me who I was and question the effects of my past experiences – and my expectations of the future – on my beliefs.

I think the core of my philosophy lies in building and exploring relationships with other people, and making a meaningful impact in their lives. I’ve always been an empath but once I took a step back and observed my actions, I came to realise I measured my success by the quality of relationships I had with people. Helping people and performing acts of service made me feel like I had a purpose, no matter how small. I truly believe that human connections and forming bonds are what make life worth living, and open doors to new experiences and learning opportunities.

I noticed a lot of my decisions were governed by a very strict set of morals I’ve imbibed growing up in a religious South Indian household. I was always taught that the ‘right’ thing to do would often mean doing something at your own expense. Naturally, this gave way to a lot of self-sacrificing, something I’ve since learned to regulate. No more do I give away my limited school supplies to my classmates at the drop of a hat, but I certainly offer up my seat in crowded buses. It’s an unspoken rule that, if I see someone in need of help or in a position that might call for some assistance, I would– with my limited emotional intelligence and progressively diminishing physical prowess– try to help in any way I can.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau said that human nature is inherently good, and that is certainly something I took into account when forming my own belief system. I am persistent that, if given the chance, even the most rotten human beings would find in themselves a seed of goodness, of charity, of kindness and virtue. Unfortunately, I’m not blind to the fact that in the modern world such chances are few and far between, and humans have historically been known to make morally questionable decisions. (A fine example would be the low-rise jeans trend that took the 2000’s by storm, otherwise known as the greatest crime in the history of sighted humanity).

On a serious note, I believe in giving people the benefit of doubt, because if to err is not human, then what is? Everyone deserves a fair shot at living a happy life, irrespective of the religion, political, economic and social class they were born into. An ideal justice system wouldn’t systemically oppress any one community of people, and I believe true justice takes into account all aspects of a person’s life before meting out judgements. For example, stealing is against the law and is a punishable offence, but stealing baby food to feed your child because the company you work for decided to cut some of the people on their payroll because the pandemic was affecting their profits exposes cracks in an unjust system and shouldn’t be met with a strictly black or white perspective.

As a child surrounded by a very religious family, I had the idea of karma drilled into my head from a very young age. Every action thought or intent would be either rewarded or punished by an omnipotent being in the sky. Surprisingly, this was one of the few things I actually questioned as a child. How did that being get to decide whether what I did was right or wrong? Did they know the whole story? Would I get a chance to explain before I was tossed into the fiery depths of hell? If God was supposed to be kind and forgiving, why was there so much suffering in the world?

After years of trying to find reason in theism, I arrived at the conclusion that to me, the is no God. However, I do believe that the energy in the universe is constant and that there is a continuous effort to maintain a balance of positive and negative energy. The good energy one puts out into the world would be matched by positive energy directed towards them. Trying to live a good life, and putting more good into a world that seems to be so desperately in need of it, is what I strive to do. I certainly believe that having something to draw strength from is crucial in times of difficulty, and whether it is religion, spirituality or science, they all have the same effect on the resilience of the human spirit.

I am of the opinion that the choices I make today are mine, and while my experiences have shaped me greatly, it ultimately falls on me to act. Free will is a fire that’s burned bright in the heart of humanity since the beginning of time. I am aware that life tends to throw curveballs when we least expect it. However, I’ve read about and been witness to several incidents where people refused to be bested by their circumstances. My own mother, having lost her father at a very young age, managed to work two jobs while attending college and taking care of her young sister and ailing mother. She could have chosen to give up and do the bare minimum, or to get married instead of finishing her studies like most women did. If she had yielded and followed the path the world was obviously showing her towards, this blog wouldn’t exist.

To me, free will is a thing of beauty. To wake up every morning with the knowledge that your time on earth is finite and that in the grand scheme of things your existence is inconsequential, and still strive to create, connect find passion and something to believe in is beautiful. Nihilism is the philosophical view that life has no intrinsic value, and I agree. But I also believe that people find value in their own ways, and give meaning to their existence through intelligent choices to reach their full potential.

To me, being open-minded is a thing of beauty. To accept other systems of belief while I am firmly grounded in my own encourage me to critically analyse what I thought I knew. Unlearning old ways and constantly changing with the world and society is how I keep my philosophy relevant.

In conclusion, I would admit that my philosophical beliefs are nowhere near as concrete as I would like them to be. I believe that the interactions I’ve had with people have shaped my understanding of the world and my attitude towards it, and these experiences continue to challenge my beliefs and change them. I’ve made several 180° changes in my beliefs, going from a devout Hindu to an agnostic, a guarded wallflower to an open-minded individual, and I’m sure I will find myself questioning these beliefs in the future too.

And I think that’s what makes it all the more fun.